You seem to have a pretty good grasp of melody, rhythm and harmony. This is quite well arranged and it seems like you've thought it through, but it still needs some polishing.
The lead sound is alright at first but gets a bit stale after a while. You could either use another lead and alternate parts between them or something, or you could just automate a filter on it or something like that. It might sound good with a tiny amount of reverb too.
I really like what the drums are playing. It's kind of metalish at parts and the end is great. However, the actual drum sounds aren't that great. You could work with them until you make them sound better or you could just get some new ones.
The main problem though is that it kind of needs more content. I don't mean make it longer, just some more things would be nice. You could have a pad coming in towards the end, for example.
Hope that helps :)